A Brown Mother

Nowhere, yet this question is asked as if aliens dropped down one day and beamed all “good black men” into hovercrafts called “marriage” and “homosexuality”.  I say this because the complaint is always the same when I talk to single women: “All the ‘good black men’ are either married/taken or gay”. 

But that’s not true.

It’s honestly more of an excuse–an easy cop out that we can use to remove or ignore the part we play in our own plight and remove the responsibility that God gave us for our own lives.

To say that “all the ‘good black men’ are taken or married” is to admit that at one point they were “free” or single (because otherwise we would be suggesting they were born in relationships and we know that is not possible).

So who are these “good black men” and who are these women who have “taken” them?

I don’t know every man there is, but I do know a lot of good ones.  Some are married, some are engaged, some are in relationships and some are single.  The ones in relationships are men who love and respect their woman without fear or shame.  They do not cheat or play games or entertain loose women, or men who would encourage them do so.  They are kind and gentle to thier mate and respectful and considerate of her feelings.  They are honest and straight forward about their feelings for her, they provide support to her and they realize that they need her just as she needs them.  They are not superficial, but are modest, decent, non-confrontational and they actively avoid situations that may compromise their relationship.

These men are not flashy and they do not need or even desire validation from other men or from other women.  Their focus, their first priority is their relationship with their mate because it matters to them.  Their happiness and their sense of peace is directly tied to the happiness and sense of peace and security that they provide to their spouse.  They are real men.

Just as I know these men, I know their wives, their fiancees and their girlfriends.  Who are these women?  Who are the women, often referred to as “lucky” who have “taken” these “good black men” off the market?  Like their mates, they are women who love and respect their man without fear or shame.  They do not cheat or play games or entertain loose men or women who would encourage them do so.  They are kind and gentle to thier mate and respectful and considerate of his feelings.  They are honest and straight forward about their feelings for him, provide support to him and they realize that they need him just as he needs them.  They are not superficial, but they are modest, decent, non-confrontational and they actively avoid situations that may compromise their relationship.

These women are not flashy and they do not need or even desire validation from other women or from other men.  Their focus, their first priority is their relationship with their mate because it matters to them.  Their happiness and their sense of peace is directly tied to the happiness and sense of peace and security that they provide to their spouse.  They are real women.

The couples that I know, the couple the my husband and I are, are made up of two individual people who share the same sense of value for their mind, for their body, and for thier spirit.  Before they were two beautiful people in love with each other, they were two beautiful people in love with themselves.  Before he was a “taken” good black man, he was a single good black man who desired all of the things he found in his mate–at the time a single black woman. 

In all things in life, we have to first become what we say we want.  I cannot cry and beg God to make me a world-renowned writer if no one even knows that I write.  I have to first believe that a career in writing is possible, and I then have to realize that how successful I am in that career is in my hands.  I have to understand that nothing short of my own actions will put my desires and my dreams into motion.  A writing career is not going to fall from the sky and God isn’t going to give me anything I’m not willing to work for. 

If I want to be a writer I have to create an environment of writing around my life.  I have to be serious about my endevour and put my energy into making my desire come true.  I have to participate in events that involve writing–events that make it evident to the rest of the world that I have a passion, an interest, a talent for writing.  I have to make myself a writer in my eyes first, and then I have to make what I say I want evident to the world around me.  Then, when someone is looking for a writer, or a judge in a poetry competition, or a partner in a writing project I can come to mind because I’ve presented myself as a writer.  I have to put time and effort into it.   

The same is true for relationships.  Sisters, we cannot cry and beg God for a “good man” when we are not willing to put any effort into finding him ourselfves.  We have to first become what we say we want.  We have to first believe that a loving relationship is possible, and we then have to realize that how successful we are in that relationship is in our hands.  We have to understand that our actions put our desires and our dreams into motion.  A  “good black man” is not going to just fall from the sky and answer all our prayers.  Not going to happen.  Ever.

If we want to be a wife, we have to create a wifely aura around our life.  We have to be serious about our endevour and put our energy into making our desire come true.  We have to make that desire evident to the rest of the world.  We have to make ourselves wives in our eyes first, and then we have to make what we say we want evident to the world around us.  Then, when a brother is looking for a “good black woman”–a wife, we come to mind because we’ve presented ourselves as women who can be “wiffed”.  We have to put time and effort into it, just like anything else.  We cannont demand and expect to get a “good black man” if we are not first good black women.

What am I saying?    Simply put: “The law of attraction is this: you do not attract what you want. You attract what you are”.  You will never become anyone’s wife if you constantly settle for being a side chick, a booty call, a mistreated lover, a a friend with benifits, etc. etc.  Change who you are, and you change who you attract.  So where are the good black men? Somewhere looking for good black women. Are you identifiable? Think about it.