A Brown Mother

Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wedding?

Alright, first blog and uh, I already smell fish.

Most of my rants are triggered by some incident in my life, sometimes big, sometimes small. So let’s begin with the trigger for this rant.

Trigger conversation (one of many, by the way):

Young Independent Woman: “I want to get married but not right now because I want a career.”

Old Independent Woman: “I don’t think you realize how serious marriage is. Are you sure you want to be tied down at such a young age?”

Me:

I H-A-T-E, HATE, when women say they don’t want to be married because they “want a career” or because they “don’t want to be tied down”. I’m like, who the freak are you marrying, Master Thomas? Marriage is not slavery and your husband is not your master, he’s your partner. He helps you accomplish your goals with his support, and vice versa. Marriage is a partnership, like a team. That’s always more fun right; two is company…what ever happened to that? Am I really supposed to rather experience all of life’s ups and downs alone? Is that really more ideal than having a friend, a partner, a supporter, a comrade, along the way? I’m really confused by the notion that I’m supposed to sacrifice assistance for independence. Why go it alone whenI could have help?

What it seems that people fail to realize is that when you mary the right person they want nothing more than to see you accomplish everything you set out to do. If you like to write, or travel, or cook, or sky-dive, or sit at home and do absolutely nothing at all, you just marry someone who is, at the least, cool with what you like. At the most, the person you marry will be doing all the things you like with you…because the two of you are friends. Friends. Not enemies, not parent and child, not slave and master, but friends; partners with different but equal roles in your relationship. You marry your friend and then there’s nothing to fear.

So what do you say? Why are we so afraid of life-long friendship that build the foundation for families, and where do we get these notions that marriage, God’s design for men and women, is otherwise?

Isn’t God Love, after all?

8 responses to “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wedding?”

msbribap

December 14, 2012 at 12:31 am

I think a lot of women’s idea that a marriage and a career can’t go hand in hand may be backlash from the whole second wave of feminism where women (read: middle class white women) decided to get out of the kitchen and in to the workplace. I think that ideal got so much publicity that a metaphorical line in the sand got drawn that either you’re a wife and a mother OR you’re a successful career woman. WHich is weird since non white women kinda did it all at the SAME DANG TIME but you know whatevs. So that may be where it comes from. ALSO, it sounds better than “there’s no one who wants to marry me right now so I’m gonna hide behind my aspirations and career so know thinks there is something wrong with me…”
Either way, once they meet someone they love and are willing to be in a true partnership they’ll be over it.

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thoughtspoken

December 15, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Bri I think that is precisely it. Everything you said is exactly true.

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Stalkee Brew

January 4, 2013 at 5:41 pm

I’m gonna play Devil’s Advocate here and disagree with everyone: I think what a lot of women mean by that is that it’s hard to have the time to throw yourself into your career and your marriage. This is LARGELY dependent on what kind of career you have, of course. For example, a teacher and, say, a new reporter have very different career demands.
Marriage takes a lot of time and commitment, so if you have a job where you work long hours, are having teleconferences even when you are home, or are required to travel frequently- yeah, it might be best to put off having a husband for a while because you would never SEE the man! Not getting enough attention in a relationship is a huge factor in why many people cheat or break up or divorce, so I actually think it’s really smart for women to recognize that their career dreams may not necessarily be compatible with marriage right now and to put it off until they’re ready to compromise.
Also, women unfortunately get that double standard that men don’t with work/marriage, especially if you throw in kids. Women who work too much are seen as neglectful, bad wives/mothers and it’s “sad, but no surprise” if her husband ultimately divorces her. Men who do this are (generally) seen as sacrificing himself for the good of his family- or at worst, workaholics, but when a man rarely sees his kids due to work, it’s usually thought of as “well, that’s too bad, but at least he’s providing for them” SUCH A DOUBLE STANDARD!!!!! Ughhh, it makes me want to vomit! Also, having a child takes a toll physically for women in a way that it does not for men. Women are out of commission for about a year if they want to have a baby (and that’s assuming they have someone to take care of it after it’s born, but don’t get me started on what people say about women who hire nannies). Have you ever been pregnant at work or been around someone who is? That ish ain’t fun. Mostly you just feel like wallowing in bed like the whale you think you are. But lying around in bed doesn’t make money so…Point is, this is a choice men don’t have to make- they can have their baby AND still continue to do the job they love.
So I’m just saying, I totally understand why many women talk about putting off marriage for their careers. Marriage and career is a juggling act and sometimes you just want to hold one ball at a time (pause). And ain’t nothing wrong with not spreading yourself too thin!

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1. bronzesugar
  
  January 4, 2013 at 6:23 pm
  
  I understand all of that and I agree, marriage takes a lot of time and commitment, but personally, I don’t agree with making personal sacrifices for professional aspirations; male or female. I don’t agree with a man putting his career before his family just as I don’t agree with women doing that. I know what the double standards are and I know what the world says about all of these things and I guess what I’m saying is that I disagree with the thinking of the world. I completely agree that one should have themselves together mentally and emotionally before entering a relationship, but being married and being in the middle of trying to achieve career aspirations and life goals, it’s so much less stressful having a partner support me, encourage me, and inspire me along the way. What I’m saying is that love isn’t a burden, it’s a gift. While it does take a lot to maintain, the rewards far outweigh the sacrifices.
  
  I just don’t agree with women denying themselves love because they view it as being tied down, and vice versa. All I’m saying is that it is possible to do both, and that the illusion of having to choose does not really exist. It is merely a tool of the world used to make women feel insecure about fulfilling the purpose that God set for us–to love and be loved.
  
  Now children on the other hand…that is something that I can see requiring more preparation and holding off and I can’t really speak much on that so I won’t.
  
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Stalkee Brew

January 4, 2013 at 5:42 pm

And sorry, I know that was really long lol.

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1. bronzesugar
  
  January 4, 2013 at 6:24 pm
  
  Lol. It’s cool. Bloggers tend to be, *ahem* “long-winded”.
  
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  1. msbribap
    
    January 4, 2013 at 7:39 pm
    
    Gahhhh two of my favorite bloggers coming together in blogging discussion!!!! Me loves it!
    
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  2. thoughtspoken
    
    January 4, 2013 at 7:56 pm
    
    Lol. Yay, to bloggers uniting!
    
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